2019: The End and Beginning, How I Started self Care.

What does self care look like for someone who is Bipolar?

For me it typically meant to take a shower and brush my teeth. we get so lost as to what this actually means, it really is that simple. 

However there was a period in 2019 where there was none of that. 

In 2018 I started what I call Lithium Gate. I started Lithium with the best of intentions, I had started with a new psychiatrist and he strait up said this is the only way I treat bipolar. I should have stood up and advocated for myself.  But no medication really had ever worked(with the exception of Lamictal) so i trusted the process despite being hesitant. 

First sign it was going to be rough was my doctor made me quit all other medication cold turkey. So I did.

Big mistake. and mind you my Psychiatrist is in his 80's so he knew better.

At first everything felt fine, but slowly the cracks started to show. 

In December 2018 I was starting to be a mess, I wasn't working thanks to Fibromyalgia, and was becoming unhinged. I applied for a job I really wanted and nailed that interview or so I thought. It was now after Christmas and I got a phone call, and it wasn't good news. I didn't get the job. That was basically the end of what stability I had left. 

I was so low. I felt like I failed and let my husband down, I felt like such a looser.  

Lithium was now at a therapeutic level and wasn't working. It truly felt like I was unmedicated. I fell deep into depression. I stayed in bed for weeks only got up to go to the bathroom, I would sneak downstairs in the middle of the night and binge on any food I came across. My hair was matted and I smelled. I just didn't give one fuck. Also didn't help that were deep into a presidential hell and I was surrounded by FOX News by a family member. This only seemed to make the depression and anger worse. 

Finally I went to see my therapist, My husband, Brian made me go he drove me and walked me in the door. My therapist promptly called my psychiatrist. and just like that I was doing a med change. I was crying, eating my feelings, yelling, yelling and crying. I would go through 4 months of medication hell before I was put on an Antipsychotic, at this point I was having hallucinations and insomnia.

 

After a few weeks I began to feel like, normal. and boy was it weird to feel like that.   

I had spent from the end of December to the end of April fighting for my life. 

And when I came to I saw the damage and felt so much shame. The only thing that kept me Alive was my husband, my dog, and The Backstreet Boys. 

But I started to feel a shift. I was diabetic and was heading down the same road my mom had walked and ultimately died from. So I made small changes and lost a lot of weight. 

But I gained my life back. 

I wont go into details of 2020 just yet but it was a fucking ride that I wish I never got on. 

Cut to January of 2024 I asked around for where I could find sound healing in my town, and found my safe space at a local studio. 

Sound bath is such an amazing experience and if you can I highly recommend it. It quickly became my self care. Every Friday I would go alone (which was a huge step for me) and just be. One day I saw another class posted for Breathwork and signed up. I'll go into details of breathwork on another post but man was it life changing.

In 2019 when the world was burning my only self care was my husband forcing me to take a shower. 

But what does it look like now?

Everyday I do EFT Tapping, which will be a toolbox Tuesday post very soon. I shower, Brush my teeth, and do my skin care then meditate before bed. But on days where I don't feel like doing all of that I Just pick a few things, like shower and brush my teeth. or shower and do tapping before bed, (tapping is a nonnegotiable for me.) But i make sure that I do my best. 

In 2025 I want to expand this, Yoga after work, do more things that make me happy, make a day out of it and do the whole nine yards (face mask, cocao drink, sound bath and breathwork) but i also want to keep it realistic. Maybe face mask and sound bath and breathwork. Or some other way to mash that up. I want to make more time for myself. 

But Just remember if you are in a space where I have been just do one thing whatever that maybe. It will in time make you feel more like you.