Chasing Mania

If you would have asked me in my 20's what the best part of being bipolar, I would hands down tell you Mania. The highest of highs. It used to be a freeing feeling, the light after a depressive episode. Bipolar is a cycle, at least mine is.

I am Bipolar 2 rapid cycling. So I don't typically have the major highs and the lows, But that is not always the case. Like in 2019 when I was bedridden for 3 months. But that's another blog post some day.

Mania is exhilarating. It is an experience of Euphoria. Imagine feeling a sense of extreme happiness and multiply that by 100. You feel on top of the world. But it is oh so chaotic. My high would leave destruction it would hurt the people around me because of the things I would do. My mania high was spending money, like more than I had. 

In 2008 that would catch up with me, I was nose deep in credit card debt, at 24 I would have to file for bankruptcy,

You would think i would have learned from that but my mania was out of control. One time in fact my marriage took a hit. I hid 4 credit cards that were maxed out, from my husband. 

Mania while it looks and feels like the time of our lives it is actually a destructive pattern.

What does my mania feel like? I have racing thoughts, high heart rate, and insomnia. 

But still you chase it, because you think this must be what normal feels like. You become addicted to it. mainly because of the depression. you seek it out. You crave it. 

But what does the mania look like medicated?

Now its more controlled. Just racing thoughts and trouble falling asleep. I can keep impulsive decisions at bay. I am more in control of it. Medication truly saved my life. And all I know is I never want to feel unmedicated again.